Here are the best marriage jokes of 2022. You can freely copy and send them via your social media platform or just share the entire post. Enjoy!
What was Adam and Eve’s biggest problem during their marriage?
They could never agree on who wore the plants in the family.
A woman is having lunch in a New York cafe when a man approaches her table. “Excuse me, miss,” the man says, “my wife and I are visiting from out of town. She loves your sandals. She wanted me to come over and ask if you bought those sandals around here.”
“Actually,” the woman responds, “I got them in a shop just about a block from here.”
“Fantastic,” the man responds, “and if I may ask, how much did you pay for them?”
“I paid $250,” she admits.
“Thank you,” the man responds. He walks away and yells to his wife, “She got them in Paris!”
A wife goes to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband is missing. The policeman asks for a description. She says,
“He’s thirty-five years old, six foot four, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”
The next-door neighbor protests, “Your husband is five foot four, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.”
The wife replies, “Yes, but who wants him back?”
Two men are drinking at a bar all night. Finally, one man says to the other,
“I hate to break up the fun, but I’ve got to go home and take off my wife’s underwear.”
The other man replies, “What makes you think you’ll be so lucky?”
The first man replies while walking out the door, “because they’ve been riding up my butt all night and I’ve had enough.”
A husband and wife are sitting at a table at her twentieth high-school reunion. There is an incredibly drunk man slumped over at the table across from them.
“Do you know that guy?” the husband asks.
“Yes,” the wife replies somberly. “That’s my ex-boyfriend. He started drinking right after we broke up and hasn’t been sober since.”
“Good God,” the husband replies. “Who knew it was possible to celebrate for that long?”
A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.
“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”
“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly,
‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”
Two men are sitting in a sauna after a workout. “I’ll be honest, my wife really is an angel.”
“You’re lucky,” the second man answers, wiping the sweat from his brow. “My wife is still alive.”
“It’s really hot outside,” a husband tells his wife, staring out the front window. “What do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn naked?” he asks jokingly.
The wife replies without looking up from the morning paper, “They’ll probably think I married you for the money.”
A man is staggering home drunk after the last call. A policeman sees the man stumbling around and asks where he’s going.
“I’m heading to a lecture,” the man slurs in response.
“A lecture?” the skeptical cop responds. “Who would be giving a lecture at this time of the night?”
“My wife,” the drunk man answers.
Matt’s wife has been dropping hints about her birthday gift for weeks. Now, on the day before, Matt asks, “So what do you think you’re getting for your birthday?”
His wife responds, “All I know is that it better be in the driveway and it better go from zero to 200 in under six seconds.”
“Oh, it will,” Matt responds, “and it does.”
The next morning his wife wakes up to find a bathroom scale in the driveway.
An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asks, “What is this, father?”
The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.”
While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a button. The walls open and the lady rolls between them into a small room. The walls close and the boy and his father watch as small circles light up above the walls.
The walls open up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman steps out. The father looks at his son excitedly and says, “Go get your mother.”
A woman calls her husband at work to share some news. “I’m kind of busy right now, babe, can’t it wait until I get home?”
“Not really,” she replies. “I’ve just got to share some good news and some bad news.”
“All right,” he replies, playing along. “I’m in a rush, so just give me the good news.”
“Well,” she sighs, “the good news is that the airbags on the car work correctly.”
A married couple looks over the side of a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny. His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns. The guy says,
“Wow, it really works.”
A man is sitting at home when a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, “Yes, I am.” The officer then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. The man answers, “Sure, hold on a second.” The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, “I’m sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a
The man says, “I know, but she has a good personality.”
After thirty years of marriage, a husband and wife go for counseling. When asked what the problem is, the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on she goes:
neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable—an entire laundry list of unmet needs she has endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks around the desk, and after asking the wife to stand, he embraces and kisses her long and passionately as her husband watches with a raised eyebrow. The woman shuts up and quietly sits down as though in a daze.
The therapist turns to the husband and says, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”
A very elderly couple is celebrating their seventy-fifth wedding anniversary.
The man says to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never looked quite like the rest. Now, I want to assure you that these seventy-five years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer could not take all of that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, and then confesses. “Yes, he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality hitting him harder than he expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks, “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally she says to her husband, “You.”
An old man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?”
The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t respond, keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you.”
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands 15 feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?” No response. He moves to 10 feet behind her and asks again—no response. Five feet, no answer.
Finally, he stands directly behind her and asks, “Honey, what’s for supper?”
She says, “For the fourth time, I said chicken!”
A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order. “I’ll have your biggest, juiciest steak,” says the husband.
“But sir, what about the mad cow?” asks the waiter.
“Oh,” says the husband, “she’ll order for herself.”
A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, “Something has just come up. I need to go fishing with the boss for the weekend. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas? I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.” He hurries home, grabs everything, and rushes off. Sunday night, he returns.
His wife asks, “Did you have a good trip?”
“Oh yes, great! I think I really impressed the boss. But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”
“Oh, no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box.”
A woman walks into a pet store and sees a handsome bright red parrot. She asks the cashier how much the parrot is. The cashier says, “I’ll sell it, but I should warn you, it was donated by a brothel, so it might have picked up
some colorful language.”
The woman says, “Oh, that’s okay.” She buys the parrot and takes it home. When she takes the towel off its cage, the parrot looks at her and says, “Awk. New madam. Hello madam.”
A few hours later, the woman’s two teenage daughters come home from school. The parrot looks at them and says, “Awk. New girls. Hello girls.”
A couple hours after that, the woman’s husband Phil comes home from work. The parrot looks at him and says, “Awk. Hi Phil.”
A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said,
“Lord have mercy, I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! They’ll throw both of us in
jail and I’ll lose my license.”
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife,
and handed it to the pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
Four golfers played together every Saturday morning. But this morning was different. As they were about to tee off, a funeral procession drove by. John took off his hat and stood quietly until all the cars had passed. After wiping
away a tear, he replaced his hat and started to line up his shot.
His pals couldn’t believe their eyes. “John,” said one, “we’ve been playing together for all these years, but this is the first indication we’ve had that you’re a sentimental man.”
“Well,” said John, “after all, we were married for forty-seven years.”
An older driver was pulled over by a traffic cop. “Sir,” said the officer, “are you aware that your wife fell out of the car about two miles back?”
“That’s a relief!” the man replied. “I thought I’d gone deaf!”
If you know more jokes just place a comment bellow this post and we will publish it. Best Marriage Jokes of 2022rules!